Worst Movies of 2014

We had as many stinkers in the year as we did good ones, and so now, I take a look at some of the worst offenders in cinema from 2014.

10. Planes: Fire and Rescue

Now THIS is a shameful cash grab that failed to grab as much cash as it had hoped. The lack of effort in this really shows. Planes soaring through danger and helping friends should be fun, right? NOPE, IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY BORING AS SHIT HERE.

9. Life After Beth

I really wanted to like this. However, it was just super dry and lame. Like, whoever thought of it just said, "Hey, zombies sure are popular now!"...and that was it.

8. The Other Woman

Yeah, I put that picture up, because that's probably the ONLY worthwhile thing about this movie. No, you don't have to watch it to enjoy Kate Upton and her glorious bod, but it's hard to remember anything else about it that's worth talking about. Rarely humorous and mostly superficial, this one sucks butts.

7. Ouija

Good grief. Clearly, Michael Bay and Jason Blum are geniuses that know that their target demographic is comprised of the easily amused and easy to scare. If you think you know what's gonna happen, then that's because you've seen this in most PG-13 horror movies of the last decade with little to no payoff.

6. Into The Woods

I like musicals, but BOY HOWDY, was this one lame. Maybe I'd like the original theatrical production more, because there was few to like about this, other than Meryl, James Corden, and the kid playing Jack. I was a bit disappointed with my ladies Emily Blunt and Anna Kendrick (though they are great singers), and the girl playing Red Riding Hood was an annoying ass. The songs sucked, the story was stupid, the characters were morons, and the central message (if you can call it that) seemed super dickish - you can get what you want, but you might get fucked over? FUCK YOU, THEATER NERDS.

5. The Longest Week

Olivia Wilde's expression sums up my thoughts on this. It's like a really bad student film that wanted to be a Wes Anderson movie but failed miserably. I know people hate to throw "boring" around, but HOLY SHIT, this movie is BORING BORING BORING. With a side of BORING.
 
4. Think Like A Man Too

The first movie is actually pretty decent. This one is just "Let's get everyone back and put them in a wacky setting, but let's not give a shit about doing anything different and let Kevin Hart do his thing, because that's what the people want!" FUCK YOU, KEVIN HART.


3. The Single Moms Club

Tyler Perry, you seriously have no idea how to write good female characters.

2. The Nut Job

There's only so many times you can make "nut" jokes before it gets really stale...and that happens about three minutes in. God, I just want to kick that little squirrel bastard in front of a truck.

AND NOW, FOR THE BIGGEST TURD OF THE YEAR (in my opinion)...

1. Addicted

I like to think of this as an alternate version of The Other Woman that is even more unfunny, and with a black female lead that ends up being the one that fucks around with other sexual partners. Here, it's treated like a disease instead of a personal vice, but instead of making the protagonist sympathetic, she just seems like a victimized sex freak that uses the "disease" part to justify her actions. And even though she does get some comeuppance in the end, we're still meant to feel bad for her. On top of that, it's supposed to seem sexy when she does go around with these dudes, but it's more uncomfortable and weird. It's just really really unpleasant.

Best Movies of 2014

Another year has come and gone, blah blah blah, but we had some pretty sweet movies this year, and I actually think it was better than last year. Even though I have like four movies left that I want to see from 2014, I doubt any of them will crack my top films. Without further ado, my TOP FIFTEEN OF 2014. Also, chances are I won't sound as professional but whatever.

15. Big Hero 6

It sometimes feels like a typical Disney movie, but that's not a bad thing. It looks great and you will undoubtedly fall in love with Baymax.

14. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Few sequels are better than the first, but this one is definitely one of the better ones. Bonus points goes to them actually focusing on the apes (*COUGH* GODZILLA *COUGH*)

13. The Babadook

The Babadook is a creepy-ass motherfucker, and I have no doubt he could beat the ass of that pussy ghost from Paranormal Activity. But the movie also has a strong mother-and-son story that balances out the scares, which makes this one stand out.

12. The Lego Movie

While I wasn't too big on the "twist" at the end, I put that aside and acknowledged that this has everything I love about animation - unforgettable characters, hilarious jokes, and a big heart to go with it. Now if you'll excuse me, EVERYTHING IS AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOME.

11. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The movie that made shit go down hard in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and left viewers wanting to know more (even though some nerds already do know).

10. Guardians of the Galaxy

I've said it already, but MAN, was I wrong about this one. While on the surface, it may look dumb and cheesy, it's one hell of an entertaining movie. Make no mistake, this is the year that millions of people gave a shit about a tree and a raccoon.

9. The Skeleton Twins

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig are already known to be funny as hell, but did you know they can ACT? They will make you laugh AND cry. Believe that.

8. X-Men: Days of Future Past

IT WAS AWESOME AND IT MADE ME FEEL STUFF THAT FEW BLOCKBUSTERS CAN MAKE ME FEEL, AND FOR THAT, I HOLD IT IN HIGH REGARD.

7. How To Train Your Dragon 2

Similar to The Lego Movie, but with FUCKING DRAGONS.

6. Nightcrawler

DAMN, JAKE GYLLENHAAL. I did not expect to be blown away by this movie like I did, but WOW, this one delivered in a wonderfully unexpected way. And Gyllenhaal has seriously never been better.

5. Boyhood

There is seriously no denying the effort and care put into this movie, and while one can argue that it's just another coming-of-age story, THEY ARE FUCKING WRONG. This is fucking cinematic history, and it's also a goddamn great movie. You will actually feel like you're growing up with Mason, and you will be transported back to your childhood, all the way into your awkward teen years. This one is definitely a must-see.

4. Gone Girl

I'm probably totally biased because of my love for THE FINCHER, but as long and weirdly edited though it may be, it's a great commentary on the media and it's love for fucked up stories. We, the viewers, ate this shit up the same way we would a big news story on domestic violence and murder, and both David Fincher and Gillian Flynn exploit it magnificently. Special mention to Rosamund Pike, "Octopus and Scrabble?", and Ben Affleck's penis.

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel

Wes Anderson makes another weird, quirky, colorful film, AND I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT. It's probably his most well-told film, story-wise, but it's odd and lovable enough to stand out on its own. And Ralph Fiennes is the fucking man.

2. Whiplash

Call it "The Karate Kid with jazz", and you may be right. This was probably the first movie I went to see without watching any trailers beforehand, and I was hooked from the beginning. JK Simmons and Miles Teller will give you goosebumps like crazy. I look forward to more of Mr. Damien Chazelle's work.

And now, my number one film of 2014...

1. Birdman, or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

 MOVIES! ACTING! THEATER! THAT CAST! AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I aspire to make movies like this (stylistically), that is weird, honest, and funny. It helps that it's got a cast of people that I adore.

A Little Ode to Psych

It was the summer of 2014. I was visiting the sun-scorched state of Texas to see my family. When I arrived at my cousin's bitchin' sweet home, I discovered that she had a Netflix account. After going through the first two seasons of Orange is the New Black, I decided I needed to find something else to watch. I watched the first episode of Freaks and Geeks. Good show, but perhaps not the gem that everyone else made it out to be. I watched The Rescuers Down Under. Nice animation and a cool soundtrack, but pretty dry compared to how I remember it. I even watched an episode of The Magic School Bus and the first episode of Portlandia. Nothing quite seemed to satisfy my short attention span.


Then came along a little show called...Psych.






"Oh, but on a site with Breaking Bad, Sons of Anarchy, House of Cards, and The Magic School Bus, how did you land on Psych?" Well, I'll tell you, anonymous thought from nobody! It was just there. I had heard about it, though I guess subconsciously, I remember people saying nice things about it. So, I thought, "Why not?" and gave it a go.

Like most pilots for shows I would eventually really get into, I wasn't quite feeling it all too much. I watched a little more, and that all changed. Seasons 1 and 2 are fun and silly, but things definitely start to pick up steam in later seasons as more dramatic turns are taken and we really get closer to our four main heroes.

For those that are not aware, the show follows Shawn Spencer, a slacker that poses as a psychic detective to get hired by the Santa Barbara Police Department to solve cases with his best pal Burton Guster (aka Gus). Shawn is just really great at observing things that most other people, including the SBPD, can't. On his adventures, he teams up with uptight tough guy Head Detective Carlton Lassiter (LASSIE!) and Juliet O'Hara (Jules <3). Shawn also gets help from his dad, a former cop named Henry. Shawn later tackles bigger cases involving notorious thief Pierre Despereaux and the sinister Yin-Yang killers.

First off, the thing that works best about Psych is the dynamic between Shawn and Gus. Shawn is goofy but brilliant, while Gus is smart in his own way, but he also has qualities that make him endearing to us as much as he is to Shawn and the others. Shawn also grows considerably as the series goes on. He's still a man child by the end of the series, but he accepts more responsibilities and he has put others before himself.
 

The supporting characters are also superb. Lassie can still be a jerk, but when you really get a look at the guy, you kinda just wanna hug him. So it's nice to see him develop friendships with Shawn, Gus, and Jules. Speaking of Jules, she proves to be more than just Shawn's love interest. She is adorably girly, but when the chips are down, she will do what needs to be done. Chief Vick, while not as prominent as the others, also has her moments and is a pretty benevolent boss to the four. Henry is also great when he needs to help Shawn, but also to show that he and his son are not so different. We also have minor characters like Woody the coroner and Officer Buzz McNab (and yes, I got the reference afterwards) that make things fun whenever they're onscreen.
 

As I've said before, things get crazier starting around season 3 with the Yin-Yang killer. Without going into too much detail, it's one of the most dramatic arcs in the show, and it puts certain things into perspective with Shawn and his loved ones. Additionally, the 6th season finale cliffhanger is pretty crazy enough that I had to start season 7 immediately.

All in all, I had a great time watching this show, and while it feels sad to have to let it go, I'll never forget the laughs I had and tears I shed with Shawn, Gus, Lassie, Jules, and everyone else.