Top Films of 2017

OH SNAP I'M WRITING AGAIN AND IT'S NOT SOMETHING DEPRESSING.
2017 actually had a crapload of great movies, so much that I had a hard time compiling them into a top 10 list. SO, I decided to make a top 15. HERE IT IS, MY TOP PICKS, MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2017!!!!!!

15. War for the Planet of the Apes

The epic prequel trilogy (or at least, the trilogy of Caesar's story) comes to a highly satisfying conclusion, in that it doesn't try to go bigger, but still makes a huge impact with its drama and characterization of not just the heroic apes, but the humans that antagonize them. Sometimes it's the simple things that leave the biggest impressions.

14. IT

Besides the very memorable and freaky performance by Bill Skarsgard as the world's creepiest clown, the film rides on the strength of its child actors, all of whom bring equal levels of humor and heart to what could have just been an ordinary jump scare horror movie. It's like a bloodier/more foul-mouthed Stand By Me or Goonies, and Pennywise is easily my favorite villain of the year.
13. Okja

I didn't expect to love a Netflix movie so much, but this one felt special. The bond between Okja and Mija is palpable, and Tilda Swinton is great as twin villains who both have different motives for what they do and how they do it.

12. The Disaster Artist

The best worst movie ever gets a story worthy of its legacy. James Franco is amazing as Tommy Wiseau, and never did I think I would actually say Dave is legitimately GREAT in something. I didn't just see the Franco brothers, I really saw the unique and unlikely friendship of Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero. It takes what you love (or hate) about The Room and honors all of it through this hilarious story of passion, failure, and friendship.
11. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Martin McDonagh is one of those writer/directors who can show how grimy the world can be, but also showing the goodness and beauty that slips through the cracks. Like In Bruges, it shows how even the biggest cynics can have enough compassion in them to rise above all that's fucked up in the world and be better.
10. Lady Bird

Greta Gerwig and Saoirse Ronan provide a unique spin on what could have been an otherwise basic coming-of-age tale. Funny, charming, and heartfelt, it's absolutely worth checking out.
9. Wonder Woman

An utterly awesome standalone superhero origin film. Gal Gadot is fucking incredible, and Patty Jenkins delivers perhaps one of the best "first" hero movies since maybe the earlier Avenger movies (Iron Man or Captain America).

8. The Big Sick

A perfect example of a romantic comedy done right, in that it feels very real (I mean, it IS based on real events) and sincere. You will laugh hard, and maybe find yourself wiping away a few tears.

7. Logan

For those who doubt that a superhero/comic book movie can be more than just overblown action. The action is still insane, but it packs such an emotional punch that it almost blindsides you. Honestly, I just want a spin-off of Laura and I'll feel less sad about this.
6. Get Out

One of my two favorite directorial debuts of the year (the other being Lady Bird above). It's both scary and funny in ways you wouldn't expect, and it's absolutely something you should watch without being spoiled.

5. Coco

Other than me being stoked that Pixar made a film with an entirely Hispanic/Latino cast, it has all the staples of what one loves about Pixar, and movies in general. The animation is fucking gorgeous, the music is delightful, the characters are unforgettable, and yes, you will most likely cry.
4. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I'll admit, I sort of lowered my expectations for this movie so I wouldn't overhype myself. FUCK, this movie blew my mind, socks, pants, ALL OF IT. In some ways, it works as a swan song for some of the saga's most beloved characters, and also paves the way for what is sure to be an insane conclusion. It also fixes some issues I had with the first (Kylo Ren is actually more interesting and not just a tantrum-throwing dickhead). Still wish we got more Maz Kanata, but then again, PORGS.
3. The Shape of Water

Guillermo del Toro is a master of his craft, blending fantastical elements with the beauty in the world amidst the ugly that tries to bring the world down. The Asset is the star of the film, but Sally Hawkins is dazzling, and Michael Shannon is a real bastard, but he's damn good at playing one.

2. The Florida Project

This one was certainly surprising. I really did not expect this one to blow me away as it did. Sean Baker is another one of these filmmakers that can truly incorporate a very real humanistic element to his films. Whereas we may be used to following quirky suburban kids riding bikes and messing around their neighborhoods, this one follows poverty-stricken children on the streets of Kissimmee, taking us on a very unusual but nonetheless enticing adventure.

1. Baby Driver

This had everything I love. Some of the best damn action sequences caught on film, a crazy cast of characters, funny shit that could only come from Edgar Wright, and the MUSIC. Seriously, this has one of the best fucking soundtracks of the year. I can't recommend this one enough.

A Confessional

Sooooooo, I don't know how many times I've written or said the same thing in regards to a certain topic, but this is what I feel will be the end all-be all of my incoherent rants.

2016 is almost over. If you've been awake the past week, you'll know enough for me to not have to give a recap on events. In trying to distract myself from what's going on out there, I've been fairly preoccupied with what's going on in here..."here" being my brain. I don't know how else to say it - I'm depressed. I'm not having a mood swing, a temper tantrum, or an "episode". I'm straight-up depressed.

I'm not looking for your sympathy or a shoulder to cry on. I just want whoever reads this to understand where I'm coming from.

The thing about depression that they always nail is that a lot of people around a depressed person don't want to hear about that person's problems. They think they're being overdramatic, that their problems are bigger than they make it out to be, or that they're just being pussies. In some cases, maybe their problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but maybe for that person, it's something that tears them up inside, and everyone's nonchalance over the matter just makes things worse.

I go through periods like this a lot. Some days I'll feel relaxed, but then the rest of the time is spent dwelling on things that I feel I'm not in control of. I try to look back and figure out at what point I just sat down and thought about how dissatisfied I am with my life and then decided that it's just not worth trying to move forward because I think I'm just not meant to live out my dreams. THAT probably sounds melodramatic, but that is the basic gist of my mind state.

Since I graduated college, I have been telling people what my plan is for getting ahead, and how I'm going to do something to make more money or just advance my career. Nearly three years later and I have worked two jobs that I've despised, and the only set work I've done since then was a day on one film and a day on a web series. Not exactly much to add to my resume. Yes, this is one of those situations where it is on me to better myself and get myself out of these dead-end jobs. I mean, it's not like I HAVEN'T been trying to do anything. I've looked at countless job listings, all of which require some kind of skill or experience that I don't possess, which is also in part due to my lack of effort during my formative years in school. I'm still trying, but honestly, job-hunting fucking sucks.

I don't like to play the blame game, but some people in my life add to my constant mental state of disarray. And these are people I call my friends. I know they say you should just drop toxic people from your life, but these aren't simply friends that I went to school with. Some of them I've known since childhood, while others are more recent but have shown an unparalleled sense of loyalty and companionship. I can't even tell them what I'm thinking because they'll just try to shut me up or dismiss me as a whiner. These guys are doing "better" - they work better jobs, they drive better cars, they talk to prettier/cooler women, or they are simply doing something that I'm not doing, and it's working out for them. To me, this feels like it's given them the idea that they can tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong, what I should be doing right, or even how to act and speak. I'll admit it, I'm not always the easiest person to talk to. I'm impulsive, reckless, pessimistic, and introverted. That doesn't mean I'm an awful person overall. That also doesn't mean these guys should talk to me like I'm spewing nothing but foul bullshit.

Of course, my relationship with these friends can't be entirely on them. In at least one case, I have one friend that I feel I should be more supportive towards. Yet, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. It's in one part due to what I mentioned above, and in another part due to this feeling of inadequacy like I can't quite reach up to that level of success. I mean, they aren't top-tier or anything, but the amount of work to their name exceeds my own, and it kills me. It kills me that I'm not more willing to show love to their work and it kills me that I'm stuck trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do to get higher myself when all I do is just wonder.

The thing is, I know I'm capable of doing big things and impressing people. I just seem to find myself in a position where I'm utterly clueless as to what my next move is, or how I'll even make it there. I can't go back and fix anything, so I have to work on what's happening right now, and keep going from there.

If I had to end this on a lighter note, I'd say that I haven't completely given up hope on myself. I'm going to keep moving on, as I always do, and I'll keep picking myself up. If I have to stop spending time with certain people or vices, so be it. For now, I will keep it going, and I won't stop until the results speak for themselves.

Another Nihilistic Post Regarding Life, Death, and Other Topics

Would ya look at that, I'm writing again!

Hello, three loyal readers (maybe just two if I'm being realistic). I am back from a creative slump (AKA I remembered this existed and I had something to say), ready to bring you all back to the darkest recesses of my mind. Brace yourselves, because I might say some crazy shit.

The first thing I had on my mind was, as you may have guessed from the title, life and death. Let's start with death. Days ago, I learned that a former schoolmate of mine had died. I had never spoken to this guy in my life, nor am I aware of what took his life, but I read several comments from his closest friends. I'm Facebook friends (kinda sad how this has a separate meaning from actual friend, but I digress) with a close friend of the departed, and it looked like the two were practically brothers. I scoured through the guy's profile, whatever I was able to check out without actually having been FB friends with him. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. He looked happy. He looked like he was always trying to have a good time. It looked like people really enjoyed being around the guy. And it looked like he really enjoyed life. Now he's gone.

Like I said, I didn't know a lot about him other than his name and what school he went to. I think about this guy's passing because one thing I wonder about people that die suddenly is if they were happy where they were before going. Did they feel fulfilled in life? Were they at that point where it was okay if death was coming for them? Probably not. He had a full life ahead of him. He was just getting started with living.

These days, it sounds like death is all over the news. Certain individuals in this world seem to think that taking other peoples' lives will bring them some kind of reward or fulfillment. Those individuals can go fuck themselves. Nobody is entitled to the lives and businesses of anyone other than their own, and perhaps the people who might actually love them. That's why it's always funny when angry Americans (re: Trump's hardcore supporters - and that's obviously not meant to include all that support him, just the jackasses you see on the internet) take it upon themselves to butt into other peoples' business and criticize them for something. You don't like that this woman is breastfeeding her kid in public? You feel some type of way over that gay interracial Jewish couple holding hands with their adopted white kid? You mad that Malia Obama is smoking weed? Well, guess what? It's none of your fucking business.

How does that seemingly out-of-left-field rant tie into my earlier sentiments? It's because a lot of these people would go as far as to kill if they didn't like the way a certain person was living their own lives. Somehow, their happiness affects their own. If You-Know-Who really is elected this coming November, who's to say there won't be a mimic of the whole Brexit debacle where THOSE PEOPLE start going after someone that doesn't look or think like them? People have actually broken into homes and murdered innocent children for things that are beyond their control. But you wanna know the craziest thing about it all? THOSE PEOPLE don't have the slightest fucking clue that their stupidity affects the children they are raising in an ever-changing world. Have any of you even seen American History X and not learned a thing from it? Doubt it.

What I'm trying to say is that we live in a time where you can basically get shot just for walking down the street and having dark skin. I'm not turning this into a discussion regarding certain events surrounding law enforcement, because that's not what I'm even talking about. Two Muslim men were shot in broad fucking daylight after prayer. That's it. They just went to pray. Last year, a large number of black individuals were shot at a church. Then that guy was treated to Burger King. Fuck right off with this shit. So, if I seem nihilistic, if I seem like things are bleak...well, I have my reasons.

Now, why don't we talk about life? Everyday, I personally seem to encounter a constant struggle to find any semblance of meaning in my life. I know, typical 20-something millenial sentiment. What a crybaby. To be fair, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a great family. I have (mostly) supportive friends. The ones I see most regularly are often a bunch of dicks, but I think they care about me, so I still socialize with them. I have a job and a place to live. My job fucking sucks, but I still have money in my pocket. For how much longer, I can't say for sure. But really, I'm rarely content. My parents and dog are usually the only ones I can count on for happiness, even when my parents start nagging me on whatever goes on in life. They, however, are always happy. Maybe they're not constantly grinning and prancing through a field of daisies while spreading glitter and goodwill, but they are satisfied with their lives, and they are probably the only people I know (besides some of my other friends' parents - keyword being "some") who seem to embody that "true love" ideal. I, on the other hand, have a hard time sharing the same sentiments.

I also don't think "true love" really exists anymore. I don't care how many happy celebrity couples you show me, or how many of my former schoolmates have gotten married and have started families of their own. I honestly think the majority of those relationships will end in divorce, and their kids will eventually break out of that shell of optimism and wonder to see the world for what it really is. But I do often hope that someday I can find someone that actually loves me for who I am, and that maybe we can raise kids safely and have them grow to be respectable people who do good. I'm not getting my hopes up, though. If there's anything the world has taught me, it's that some people (like me) don't have the luxury of getting confident and seeing their ambitions through.

Truthfully, there are a lot of people I know that give me a smidgen of hope that maybe the world isn't a total piece of shit. Maybe it's not enough to fully convince me, but I am sometimes genuinely amazed at how much good I come across considering all the shit I pointed out before. They are rare, but I'm thankful for the ones I know that don't completely suck. For instance, there's a lady that goes to the church where my dad preaches that always gives me a big handful of cookies when she sees me. She's a single mother raising a son that is perhaps beyond hope. I'm not saying she's a good person simply because she enables my cravings, but seeing as how devoted she is not only to her family, but to her faith as well, I think she of all people should find happiness.

To sum up my thoughts, life in this day and age is rough, and honestly, there are times where I'd rather abandon society altogether, move to a deserted island, find out how to survive on my own, and be done with everything. Nobody knows for sure what awaits them the next day, or even in the next hour. All we can do is hope that somehow, things will turn out for the better, and maybe someday, THOSE PEOPLE will wise the fuck up and progress.

With affectionate sentiments,

J

I'm Back

This is a filler post for whomever is lurking and has wondered why I stopped writing (hi, Gary and Leonel).

Stay tuned, son.

2014 Movie Villains

If there's one thing I like about movies, it's a great villain. This year has seen some memorable ones, and now I'm going to list off my top ten. WHEEEEEEEEEEE.
WARNING, THERE MAY BE A SPOILER OR TWO IN THERE SOMEWHERE, SO IF YOU THINK I AM ABOUT TO SPOIL SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE NOT SEEN, BE WARNED.

10. Mr. Babadook - The Babadook

The creepiest thing about The Babadook is that it can get to you the moment you know about its existence and how much it likes to torment its victims before attacking. The one time we do see its real face is probably one of the freakiest scenes of the year.

9. Bolivar Trask - X-Men: Days of Future Past

While it can be said that Mystique and Magneto pose a more antagonizing presence in this movie, Trask gets points for being that type of villain that thinks he's doing good when he's really doing something pretty nasty. He's more of a quiet kind of evil, and it works for him.

8. Lord Business - The Lego Movie

He's mean, he's wacky, and he wants everything to go his way. And he's got a sick evil lair and hundreds of micromanaging bots at his disposal. And he's pretty much in charge of the whole Lego world. Lord Business is the man...er, toy?

7. Nebula - Guardians of the Galaxy

Ronan was the main bad guy, and while he's cool and scary, he's still more or less your average power-hungry nutjob bent on global destruction. And Thanos is the big bad of everything, but it's Nebula that is the most memorable. She pretty much plays by her own rules and will wreck anyone in her path. Also, seeing as how she's still out there, I'm willing to bet we'll get to see more of her in regards to her relationship with Gamora and Thanos in the sequel.

6. Artemisia - 300: Rise of an Empire

She's as vicious as she is lovely, but even if you get THAT close to her, you might still be scared. Just ask Themistocles.

5. Archibald Snatcher - The Boxtrolls

Here's a bad guy that's as funny as he is nasty. All for a stinking white hat and some cheese, Snatcher is one persistent and smelly son of a bitch. No, I haven't sniffed him, but I mean, look at him, he looks like a stinky fucker.

4. Koba - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Koba can earn your trust and quickly fuck you over. He's got a grudge against damn near everyone, especially if you're not standing with him. Furthermore, the guy almost single-handily starts a war. He's nuts.

3. Amy Dunne - Gone Girl

OH SHIT, SPOILER ALERT. Yup, Amy, the one who manages to get the ENTIRE NATION to turn on her husband, and still manages to get away scot-free and come home like a hero. Even before that, we find out how twisted Amy is, but it's how cold and unflinching she is in regards to all the shit she puts people through that makes her truly vile.

2. Terence Fletcher - Whiplash

The teacher from Hell. I've had some teachers that enjoyed riding their students' asses (not literally), but none of them threw chairs or humiliated their students the way this guy does. And the craziest part is that while he knows what he's doing and how it affects people, he stands by what he does because in his mind, it will help his students eventually. Even crazier is that he's kind of right.

And now, the most sinister bad guy of the year (for me)...

1. Lou Bloom - Nightcrawler

Jake motherfuckin' Gyllenhaal as a bad guy. From his soulless stares and his rapid-fire speeches, you can tell there's something not quite right with the guy. Yet he's still all the more terrifying in that he will do whatever it takes to get what he wants, regardless of who he hurts or what the consequences are. Even nonviolently, he can manipulate others to do what he wants, and he always comes out on top. The dude is straight up Fruity Pebbles and I love him for that.

Worst Movies of 2014

We had as many stinkers in the year as we did good ones, and so now, I take a look at some of the worst offenders in cinema from 2014.

10. Planes: Fire and Rescue

Now THIS is a shameful cash grab that failed to grab as much cash as it had hoped. The lack of effort in this really shows. Planes soaring through danger and helping friends should be fun, right? NOPE, IT'S ACTUALLY REALLY BORING AS SHIT HERE.

9. Life After Beth

I really wanted to like this. However, it was just super dry and lame. Like, whoever thought of it just said, "Hey, zombies sure are popular now!"...and that was it.

8. The Other Woman

Yeah, I put that picture up, because that's probably the ONLY worthwhile thing about this movie. No, you don't have to watch it to enjoy Kate Upton and her glorious bod, but it's hard to remember anything else about it that's worth talking about. Rarely humorous and mostly superficial, this one sucks butts.

7. Ouija

Good grief. Clearly, Michael Bay and Jason Blum are geniuses that know that their target demographic is comprised of the easily amused and easy to scare. If you think you know what's gonna happen, then that's because you've seen this in most PG-13 horror movies of the last decade with little to no payoff.

6. Into The Woods

I like musicals, but BOY HOWDY, was this one lame. Maybe I'd like the original theatrical production more, because there was few to like about this, other than Meryl, James Corden, and the kid playing Jack. I was a bit disappointed with my ladies Emily Blunt and Anna Kendrick (though they are great singers), and the girl playing Red Riding Hood was an annoying ass. The songs sucked, the story was stupid, the characters were morons, and the central message (if you can call it that) seemed super dickish - you can get what you want, but you might get fucked over? FUCK YOU, THEATER NERDS.

5. The Longest Week

Olivia Wilde's expression sums up my thoughts on this. It's like a really bad student film that wanted to be a Wes Anderson movie but failed miserably. I know people hate to throw "boring" around, but HOLY SHIT, this movie is BORING BORING BORING. With a side of BORING.
 
4. Think Like A Man Too

The first movie is actually pretty decent. This one is just "Let's get everyone back and put them in a wacky setting, but let's not give a shit about doing anything different and let Kevin Hart do his thing, because that's what the people want!" FUCK YOU, KEVIN HART.


3. The Single Moms Club

Tyler Perry, you seriously have no idea how to write good female characters.

2. The Nut Job

There's only so many times you can make "nut" jokes before it gets really stale...and that happens about three minutes in. God, I just want to kick that little squirrel bastard in front of a truck.

AND NOW, FOR THE BIGGEST TURD OF THE YEAR (in my opinion)...

1. Addicted

I like to think of this as an alternate version of The Other Woman that is even more unfunny, and with a black female lead that ends up being the one that fucks around with other sexual partners. Here, it's treated like a disease instead of a personal vice, but instead of making the protagonist sympathetic, she just seems like a victimized sex freak that uses the "disease" part to justify her actions. And even though she does get some comeuppance in the end, we're still meant to feel bad for her. On top of that, it's supposed to seem sexy when she does go around with these dudes, but it's more uncomfortable and weird. It's just really really unpleasant.

Best Movies of 2014

Another year has come and gone, blah blah blah, but we had some pretty sweet movies this year, and I actually think it was better than last year. Even though I have like four movies left that I want to see from 2014, I doubt any of them will crack my top films. Without further ado, my TOP FIFTEEN OF 2014. Also, chances are I won't sound as professional but whatever.

15. Big Hero 6

It sometimes feels like a typical Disney movie, but that's not a bad thing. It looks great and you will undoubtedly fall in love with Baymax.

14. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Few sequels are better than the first, but this one is definitely one of the better ones. Bonus points goes to them actually focusing on the apes (*COUGH* GODZILLA *COUGH*)

13. The Babadook

The Babadook is a creepy-ass motherfucker, and I have no doubt he could beat the ass of that pussy ghost from Paranormal Activity. But the movie also has a strong mother-and-son story that balances out the scares, which makes this one stand out.

12. The Lego Movie

While I wasn't too big on the "twist" at the end, I put that aside and acknowledged that this has everything I love about animation - unforgettable characters, hilarious jokes, and a big heart to go with it. Now if you'll excuse me, EVERYTHING IS AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOME.

11. Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The movie that made shit go down hard in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and left viewers wanting to know more (even though some nerds already do know).

10. Guardians of the Galaxy

I've said it already, but MAN, was I wrong about this one. While on the surface, it may look dumb and cheesy, it's one hell of an entertaining movie. Make no mistake, this is the year that millions of people gave a shit about a tree and a raccoon.

9. The Skeleton Twins

Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig are already known to be funny as hell, but did you know they can ACT? They will make you laugh AND cry. Believe that.

8. X-Men: Days of Future Past

IT WAS AWESOME AND IT MADE ME FEEL STUFF THAT FEW BLOCKBUSTERS CAN MAKE ME FEEL, AND FOR THAT, I HOLD IT IN HIGH REGARD.

7. How To Train Your Dragon 2

Similar to The Lego Movie, but with FUCKING DRAGONS.

6. Nightcrawler

DAMN, JAKE GYLLENHAAL. I did not expect to be blown away by this movie like I did, but WOW, this one delivered in a wonderfully unexpected way. And Gyllenhaal has seriously never been better.

5. Boyhood

There is seriously no denying the effort and care put into this movie, and while one can argue that it's just another coming-of-age story, THEY ARE FUCKING WRONG. This is fucking cinematic history, and it's also a goddamn great movie. You will actually feel like you're growing up with Mason, and you will be transported back to your childhood, all the way into your awkward teen years. This one is definitely a must-see.

4. Gone Girl

I'm probably totally biased because of my love for THE FINCHER, but as long and weirdly edited though it may be, it's a great commentary on the media and it's love for fucked up stories. We, the viewers, ate this shit up the same way we would a big news story on domestic violence and murder, and both David Fincher and Gillian Flynn exploit it magnificently. Special mention to Rosamund Pike, "Octopus and Scrabble?", and Ben Affleck's penis.

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel

Wes Anderson makes another weird, quirky, colorful film, AND I LOVE EVERY MOMENT OF IT. It's probably his most well-told film, story-wise, but it's odd and lovable enough to stand out on its own. And Ralph Fiennes is the fucking man.

2. Whiplash

Call it "The Karate Kid with jazz", and you may be right. This was probably the first movie I went to see without watching any trailers beforehand, and I was hooked from the beginning. JK Simmons and Miles Teller will give you goosebumps like crazy. I look forward to more of Mr. Damien Chazelle's work.

And now, my number one film of 2014...

1. Birdman, or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

 MOVIES! ACTING! THEATER! THAT CAST! AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I aspire to make movies like this (stylistically), that is weird, honest, and funny. It helps that it's got a cast of people that I adore.