Sooooooo, I don't know how many times I've written or said the same thing in regards to a certain topic, but this is what I feel will be the end all-be all of my incoherent rants.
2016 is almost over. If you've been awake the past week, you'll know enough for me to not have to give a recap on events. In trying to distract myself from what's going on out there, I've been fairly preoccupied with what's going on in here..."here" being my brain. I don't know how else to say it - I'm depressed. I'm not having a mood swing, a temper tantrum, or an "episode". I'm straight-up depressed.
I'm not looking for your sympathy or a shoulder to cry on. I just want whoever reads this to understand where I'm coming from.
The thing about depression that they always nail is that a lot of people around a depressed person don't want to hear about that person's problems. They think they're being overdramatic, that their problems are bigger than they make it out to be, or that they're just being pussies. In some cases, maybe their problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but maybe for that person, it's something that tears them up inside, and everyone's nonchalance over the matter just makes things worse.
I go through periods like this a lot. Some days I'll feel relaxed, but then the rest of the time is spent dwelling on things that I feel I'm not in control of. I try to look back and figure out at what point I just sat down and thought about how dissatisfied I am with my life and then decided that it's just not worth trying to move forward because I think I'm just not meant to live out my dreams. THAT probably sounds melodramatic, but that is the basic gist of my mind state.
Since I graduated college, I have been telling people what my plan is for getting ahead, and how I'm going to do something to make more money or just advance my career. Nearly three years later and I have worked two jobs that I've despised, and the only set work I've done since then was a day on one film and a day on a web series. Not exactly much to add to my resume. Yes, this is one of those situations where it is on me to better myself and get myself out of these dead-end jobs. I mean, it's not like I HAVEN'T been trying to do anything. I've looked at countless job listings, all of which require some kind of skill or experience that I don't possess, which is also in part due to my lack of effort during my formative years in school. I'm still trying, but honestly, job-hunting fucking sucks.
I don't like to play the blame game, but some people in my life add to my constant mental state of disarray. And these are people I call my friends. I know they say you should just drop toxic people from your life, but these aren't simply friends that I went to school with. Some of them I've known since childhood, while others are more recent but have shown an unparalleled sense of loyalty and companionship. I can't even tell them what I'm thinking because they'll just try to shut me up or dismiss me as a whiner. These guys are doing "better" - they work better jobs, they drive better cars, they talk to prettier/cooler women, or they are simply doing something that I'm not doing, and it's working out for them. To me, this feels like it's given them the idea that they can tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong, what I should be doing right, or even how to act and speak. I'll admit it, I'm not always the easiest person to talk to. I'm impulsive, reckless, pessimistic, and introverted. That doesn't mean I'm an awful person overall. That also doesn't mean these guys should talk to me like I'm spewing nothing but foul bullshit.
Of course, my relationship with these friends can't be entirely on them. In at least one case, I have one friend that I feel I should be more supportive towards. Yet, I can't seem to bring myself to do so. It's in one part due to what I mentioned above, and in another part due to this feeling of inadequacy like I can't quite reach up to that level of success. I mean, they aren't top-tier or anything, but the amount of work to their name exceeds my own, and it kills me. It kills me that I'm not more willing to show love to their work and it kills me that I'm stuck trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do to get higher myself when all I do is just wonder.
The thing is, I know I'm capable of doing big things and impressing people. I just seem to find myself in a position where I'm utterly clueless as to what my next move is, or how I'll even make it there. I can't go back and fix anything, so I have to work on what's happening right now, and keep going from there.
If I had to end this on a lighter note, I'd say that I haven't completely given up hope on myself. I'm going to keep moving on, as I always do, and I'll keep picking myself up. If I have to stop spending time with certain people or vices, so be it. For now, I will keep it going, and I won't stop until the results speak for themselves.
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